Celebration of the first year with baby… A vacation for mom!

My baby recently turned one year old. Hurrah, us parents survived the first year of new parenthood! At this stage I realized that baby’s first birthday is as much a major accomplishment of the parents, as a major milestone for the baby. Rather than throw an extravagant party for the baby, I decided on an alternative celebration of the first year with baby… A vacation for mom! Here’s how it went, and my 6 big take-away’s from the experience.

Celebrating baby’s first birthday

On baby’s birthday we celebrated her and the occasion by going in our little threesome family to a restaurant for brunch, ordering a cake with a candle and singing happy birthday. Then letting her try her first ever bite of carrot cake. It was cozy, relaxed, and fit around baby’s schedule so she enjoyed her day. There was no stress, no work, no performance required, no cake-baking needed. It was perfect for us given that we had just flown from the USA back to our home in Thailand the day before baby’s birthday!

For us, most importantly, this cozy celebration was reflective of how we enjoy spending time together as a family. It was also reflective of the fact that she was turning one – not 6 years old, for example, where another type of event may have been more age-appropriate for her.

In recent years some cultures, particularly those in which social media platforms like Instagram and Pinterest are popular, have observed an ever-increasing pressure for parents to celebrate baby’s first birthday by throwing big parties. “The Letdown” Australian TV series, series 2 episode 1 is a humorous example of how stressful organizing a baby’s first birthday can be. This probably resonates with many of the shows viewers who have been through it!

Different cultures, different celebrations

For many cultures around the world, a baby’s first birthday is a major milestone that is celebrated with family, friends, neighbors and others in the community. Different cultures enjoy different ways to celebrate, for example, in Hungary they pull on the birthday baby’s ear for good luck. In China and Korea parents having a ‘picking ceremony‘ where the baby picks an object that has significance for what their future will hold (e.g. a mirror signifies vanity). In India and many other countries they will shave the baby’s head, and in other countries again people sing ‘happy birthday’ in many different ways.

My celebration of surviving the first year with baby

As a congratulatory gift to myself for all the exhausting work and constant dedication to the care and well-being of our baby, I realized that the perfect gift at this time would be a vacation with my best girlfriend. I struggled for some time with the decision on whether baby should join on this vacation or not, and ultimately decided not. (It also involved a lot of discussion and negotiation with hubby!). In the end, as hard as it was to make this decision at the time, I decided that taking some time out for myself and re-energizing would be healthy for both me and baby. After all, as the saying goes, a happy mummy raises a happy baby 🙂

Friendship feeds the soul

Being a new parent was all-consuming for the first 3-4 months. There was little I was able to do other than ‘just the basics’ i.e. feed, sleep, wash, repeat. Breastfeeding was not without it’s challenges for me – it was extremely time intensive and was my most important priority. (See my blog on “My breastfeeding journey and the 10 people that enabled me” for more on that). For someone who has many great friendships and has prioritized and invested in these relationships, it felt to me like I had just dropped off the map in the first months of baby’s life. This was especially true with friends who did not yet have kids. The ones that did have kids I might at least have messaged seeking advice or moral support and encouragement!

So when my friend initially proposed the idea of coming to visit us in Thailand shorty after baby’s birthday, I was over the moon at the prospect of having time with my girlfriend and everything it entails. All the ‘warm and fuzzies’ as well as great conversation, good laughs and inspiration. I was excited at the prospect of being able to see her again – one of my few soul buddies in the world! I missed my closeness and connection with her, and knew that it would be healthy for me to take time to re-establish that. Friendship feeds the soul, and it would be good for me to be just me, not ‘mum’, for a few days.

Re-connecting after big life events

It had been two years since I had last seen my friend on our previous holiday together in Greece. So much had happened and changed in both of our lives since then that we had barely found time to video chat with one another. We had both made international moves from one country to another, I had a new baby, she had a very sick family member to care for and support, and we had both made big career transitions. So much to catch up! I was eager to see her, hear her stories and know that she was doing OK through all these major life events. I also wanted to share my own stories with her and hear her advice.

Planning baby care

Knowing that my hubby was travelling for work the two weeks following the time that my friend would visit, I anticipated he would want to spend a lot of time with the baby and so I asked if he would like to join us with the baby on our trip together for a few days, or if he would prefer to stay with her and the nanny in Bangkok. He decided to stay in Bangkok. At first I was hesitant and nervous as to how I would feel being apart from the baby for 7 whole days. It seemed like such a long time! But, I kept in mind my first time apart from the baby for 3 nights. I remembered how I coped much better than I had ever expected and how the baby was completely fine. And there was reassurance in the fact that there would be continuity in her life: she would still have her daddy, her nanny, be in her own home, in her own bed and with her own toys and usual food.

I fully realize how incredibly lucky I am to have been able to make this set-up possible. It takes a very supportive husband/partner, and a nanny I was very thorough in hiring (my blog with advice on finding and recruiting a great nanny here) and in whom I have wonderful trust in order to feel comfortable enough to leave my baby – the most precious thing to me in the world – in her care each day. Each of these are relationships of trust which have been cultivated over a lengthy period. I’m aware this trip was only possible because of the three-way supportive and trusting relationships developed between my baby, the nanny and my husband. They each had their role in allowing me to step out of the picture and being able to collaborate and work together seamlessly in my absence.

Being kind to ourselves

In advance of the trip my friend and I discussed what we each were looking for from the holiday. Despite us both being adventure travelers in the past 11 years that we have been travelling together, we decided what we needed most now was a hotel, a beach, a cocktail, a book, a hammock, and lots and lots of time to just chat and catch up on how life has been treating us these past years. Gone were the days of planning tree-top adventures, kite-surfing, sand-surfing, volcano climbing and late-night partying! At least for the moment we needed a rest.

We agreed we both just wanted time to be kind to ourselves and to each other. Rather than always taking care of the needs of others in our families, we would take time out to do whatever we wanted to do.

Koh Chang: our chosen relaxation haven

We decided to head to Koh Chang island since it is a relatively easy travel distance from Bangkok. It’s just under a 5 hour drive to Trat and a 30 minute ferry to Koh Chang. We wanted to make this trip and easy and relaxing as possible for ourselves. And with both of us having taken so many flights in the past weeks, we decided we had had enough of airports and just getting into a car and letting someone drive us all the way directly from the apartment to the pier would be the most stress-free, time-saving and convenient way for us both.

Getting there

We found a company that drove us there by car for 4,400 baht. This meant it cost us only approx. US$70 each person each way. While it is possible to take a bus, it would take much longer. We would have the hassle of getting to the bus station in Bangkok and then from the bus station in Trat to the pier to catch the ferry. The private car was totally worth it in our minds. Though we did register the fact with some dismay and nostalgia – and then with laughter – that 10 years ago we would have been on a bus with our backpacks instead of a private car with our four-wheeled suitcases!

As we left Bangkok together, I did have a physical feeling in my stomach of separation from the baby, which did not feel right. I pushed through this by distracting my thoughts through conversation with my friend. Thankfully passed in a short time. We talked through most of the 4.5 hour drive together and it passed quickly.

We arrived at Ao Thammachat pier and decided to be foot passengers on the ferry rather than ask our driver to take the car across and drive us to our hotel on the island. There is often a wait period for vehicles due to the limited number that can be accommodated on each ferry, whereas foot passengers can walk on easily without much limitation in number.

Our hotel

We pick up a taxi on the other side of the island and head to our hotel: the KC Grande. We were immediately extremely happy with our selection of beach and of hotel – it was all stunning! Our beachfront villa gave us an amazing sea-view directly from lying in our bed. And it was only 20 steps to reach the beautiful white sands. Excellent choice! We almost could not believe what a great choice we had made. Since we had booked through the hotel directly we had a free minibar each day and a free welcome dinner. Fantastic bonus!

I got so emotional I cried at how happy I was to be there with my friend. I think there were all sorts of feelings bundled together at one time and they all came out at once in a stream of tears! Tears of happiness at how lucky I was 🙂

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Our time together

We did all sorts of relaxation and fun activities. We danced and swam in the tropical rains, we made sand angels on the beach after it rained (like snow angels but with sand), we danced on our balcony to our favorite song, we drank bubbly and ate delicious Thai food. After long, leisurely and large buffet breakfasts we lounged on the beach and swam most of the days. Only one day did we make a trip to hike to the local Klong Plu waterfall.

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While Koh Chang has all sorts of great tourist activities, including hiking and sailing, we both realized that we were feeling a bit burned out after everything we had done in the past year. We decided what we need was just to relax on the beach and spend time chatting and laughing together.

Vacation Reflections: stepping off the day-to-day treadmill

By taking this opportunity to step out of our day-to-day lives, we created time to talk and reflect on our experiences and circumstances. In short, here are my main reflections and take-aways to bring back to my life in Bangkok.

1. There is so much love in my life

I am incredibly lucky to have so much love in my life – both giving and receiving. I am blessed with a healthy and happy baby, and a supportive life partner, and wonderful friendships. It’s also a blessing to have been able to enjoy such a beautiful celebration of the first year with baby. I should never take that or, most importantly, her presence in my life for granted.

2. I can be apart from baby for a week and it’s OK

I could be apart from my baby for 7 days and be really OK with that. Now, I do realize that I was in a beach paradise relaxing with a best friend (!) as opposed to doing something that I don’t want to do, but, nonetheless, baby was OK and I was OK, and it was a healthy break for me. When I arrived back baby didn’t give me the cold shoulder. Nor did she cling to me for fear of me leaving again. She was just her usual self, and that was reassuring. It is empowering to help make decisions in the future that might involve time apart from her. (I write of this also in my blog on “Work travel and my first nights apart from baby“).

3. Close friendships are so precious

The importance of time with close girlfriends cannot be underestimated. First, I believe that no matter how great our relationship with our significant other or with our family, there is something unique and special about female friendships. Each relationship in our life can bring different things that we need and, in turn, we give love and support in a different way to each of them. The insights and support I received from my friend came from a different perspective, and that was invaluable and memorable to me.

Second, I also realized that there are activities that I like to do that my husband does not. When traveling with my friend we share some of the appeal and enjoyment for those activities that bring me joy. I am talking, for example, of just lying on a beach with a beer or cocktail in hand. While I also enjoy the mountain-hiking that is his preferred holiday activity, I also love being a beach bum, and that kind of slothfulness is OK too. I allowed myself to accept and to enjoy this slothful way of spending time.

4. I am not 26 anymore!

We are not 26 years old anymore, and we don’t have to feel sad or bad about that, or about the fact that we don’t want to do the things together that we did when we started traveling together 11 years ago. There are stages in life, and each one brings its own needs and desires. Life has been challenging and tiring for us both these past months and it’s OK to realize that what we need now is some time to rest, heal, be kind to, and take care of ourselves. In a couple more years, perhaps when we have more energy, we will be back to our usual adventure travels. But for now we are doing what feels best for our hearts, minds and bodies.

5. A break to re-energize yourself is important

It was important to recognize and acknowledge all that it has taken to recover from the birth and to keep a tiny little human alive and thriving for the first months of her life. It was the most intense and all-consuming experience – both emotionally and physically – I believe I have ever gone through. Having time to reflect on this has given me perspective on the past year and allowed me to draw a line under the chapter that has been the first year of her life. Being able to take a step back and appreciate and enjoy this celebration of the first year with baby has provided renewed energy for the next stage of transitioning to life with a toddler.

6. Reflecting on life changes to reduce stress

We also realized that some of the stressors in our life are self-created and within our control to minimize or remove completely from our lives. We chose to undertake international moves, and career transitions and lots of travel, and running our own businesses and projects in addition to our main full-time jobs. Yet, each of these takes its toll on our energy and health – the costs of which we don’t full calculate until sometimes it’s too late: we have burned out, gotten ill, or damaged other relationships that needed care and quality time to continue flourishing. My friend took the major decision that she would step back from her business she had been building over the past 4 years. She realized it was causing her too much unnecessary stress and the gains from it were less than they had been when she embarked on the initiative, shifting the threshold at which it made the business a worthwhile investment of her time and energy. She would now re-invest in a more hands-off self-sustaining way.

Being kind to each other and ourselves

The vacation was more than just a vacation, it was a time to re-connect with a special friend, and with myself (as me, not only as ‘mum’). It was a time to reflect on what has been, enjoy celebration of the first year with baby, and to think about how to move forward with what is to come. It helped to remember prioritize and re-focus on them. This time to rest and nourish the mental, physical and emotional health was needed to be able to continue as a force for good in our lives, our families, our communities and our workplaces.

Cheers to great friendships! And to being kind to each other and ourselves – particularly after exhausting periods in our lives.